How I Arrived At Sureness

January 8, 2011

So I got the following message the other day:

“How did you/are you able to have such sureness and confidence about your sexuality/orientation? Anything you have to share would be greatly appreciated.”

I caught myself asking the same question as my mother and I were watching The Black Swan together today. My mother is a very thoughtful person, affectionate and funny and liberal in many ways. However, she is repressed in everything having to do with sexuality, hetero or homo. She would never discuss sex with me. I’m pretty sure my dad explained the idea of reproduction in biological terms to me when I was very young, and sex was mentioned as “kissing naked in bed”. Which hey, fair enough. All this meant I didn’t really think about the matter until I was probably 16. I kind of assumed I’d get married early, get the whole sex thing over with, and move on with my life.

Then I saw Salma Hayek in her GAP ad. Then I met my Romanian classmate. Finally, I went to college and kissed a girl. This resulted in me being terribly confused, drinking myself into oblivion, and waking up in a random bed or two. I realized I needed to face what was going on if I wanted any sort of shot at being happy (and hangovers in strange beds ≠ happiness). I did not have anyone to ask for advice. My parents were homophobic, the area I lived in at the time did not seem very liberal, and the nearest gay bar was an hour away by car.

I saw all the babygay movies I could get my hands on. I searched the web endlessly for answers. I went to les clubs and told my friends I wanted to experiment. I was self-centered, somewhat withdrawn, and made plenty of bad decisions in the process of figuring it out.

Because I went through such a long process of self-analysis, there was no room left for shame or fear. Once I accepted myself and my own doubts as a work in progress, this allowed me to be open with everyone else. It took me four years to come to terms with not being straight. But, I couldn’t be anything else, unless I wanted to lie.

And since I’m too lazy to subscribe to lying for life, all I can do is to own my sexuality.

The End 🙂

Salma Hayek. Wouldn't she turn you?


6 Responses to “How I Arrived At Sureness”

  1. Anonymous said

    Thanks for sharing such personal info, it really is helpful. I can totally relate. I think I spent all of my teens and 20’s in the paragraph that starts: “Then I saw Salma Hayek”. For me it was Angelina Jolie in FoxFire (okay now I’m dating myself ;)) but the confusion is all the same. I basically just finished one cycle of the “Self/Research/Withdrawn/Who Am I Really” period (because in reality isn’t this what life is all about – an ongoing self-realization journey?) you spoke about in the second to last paragraph. It was also due to some health related issues, surprise, surprise (stress is not cool) and am now healthy, lighter and happier and am making my way into your last paragraph. I literally just got off the phone with my mom and told her “I am not so sure I will end up with a man”. I told my parents this back in college, but I’m 30 now so they know it’s not a “phase”. Plus, I think she’s been waiting for me to make it clear. Done. I agree, I’m just too tired for the bull shit anymore. It’s so good to hear that another woman – you, has gone through it too, and come out of the other side intact. I’m using you for inspiration. Hope you don’t mind 🙂

    • Thank you for your answer, very detailed! How did your mother react to you saying you might not end up with a man?

      Explaining to others what’s going on when you yourself aren’t 100% sure is the hardest part. I’m looking forward to more of your comments!

      • Anonymous said

        She didn’t say anything; she just made a sound like she understood. I doubt it was surprising for her. I’m sure she’s noticed some changes in me lately, and may have mentioned relationships with men just to see what I would say. Anyway, this was in a larger discussion/argument we were having. You are totally right though about explaining to others when I’m not sure where I am myself. I can only describe how I feel in the present moment as best as I can. For me that’s huge though, just to be able to express any feelings I may have without any kind of fear involved. I had dinner with my dad tonight and we discussed this, amongst others things my mom and I were talking about. He’s gay (yes, a lot of dynamics play into this, far too many to comment on here), so I was asking him about his process and what he went through and if it’s similar to what I am experiencing now and have experienced in the past. Bottom line – this is about me accepting myself, being confident and secure in myself, not letting fear lead my life, not caring what other people think etc. It has been, since I was 6 or 7 or whatever the age is when we become self-aware and become susceptible to other people’s judgments. Throughout my life, it’s seems like I’ve been able to kind of weave in and out of being secure with certain things, or with certain people I trust but now it’s like everything is/has to come together because as you said I can’t stand to be anything else but myself any longer. It feels like a huge cleanse or a spring cleaning – messy, confusing and disorganized but little by little it starts to feel better, lighter, brighter and more spacious, like new energy is moving through…

  2. N said

    yay, I love this post, very interesting : )

  3. […] readership or following. But I continue telling my silly stories, writing on strange subjects, and answering your […]

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