Nails

May 2, 2011

I haven’t been around in a while! Sorry – been quite sick lately.

I’m back now, though. The topic of the day is nails. Let’s start with this old joke, shall we?

– What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

– Single!

I’ve always had long nails. When I was little, I hated spending valuable time on getting them cut. In middle school, I decided short nails made your fingers look stubby and fat. And what lesbian wants short fingers? Not me.

By high school, I was convinced long nails went perfectly with long hair and heels.

My nails, 2003

And then I started sleeping with girls. The internet terrified me into thinking I will hurt someone with my claws. You know how some guys keep condoms in their wallet? I kept a pocket knife with scissors. That thing lived in my purse and I became a pro at cutting three fingernails in 5 seconds.

When I dated The Ex, she trimmed all my nails super-short on a regular basis, which I tolerated as she seemed to be anxious about any kind of length.

My best friend, 2007

Then I broke up with her, got a 70 hours/week corporate job, and started flying a lot for work. Scissors are not allowed in carry-on baggage, and frankly I just didn’t have the time nor the inclination to do anything more than brush my hair before a date. And here’s what I found out:

Contrary to the stereotype, the length of your nails simply doesn’t matter in sex, as long as you are careful and aware.

File them, make sure there are no split ends or sharp ends, use the pads of your fingers for the more intimate parts. Slightly bend/curve your fingers in if there’s penetration involved. Oh, and make sure it’s wet enough. That’s nature’s way of protection, darling.

No one’s complained yet. In the interests of producing a second side to this story, I asked ElevatorGirl, my fwb what she thinks of my nail length. She says she doesn’t notice. Case closed?

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One Response to “Nails”

  1. […] hair, long nails, three-inch heels, tight jeans, and short dresses are not things I have to think twice about. I […]

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