Most-Est Kisses

February 14, 2013

Firstest: French party, in bed with two girls and two more boys. One of the girls kissed me, then the other. Then they kissed each other. I was the most confused 17-year-old.

Longest: Tiny Danish gay bar, pink shots, long pretty hair, leather jackets (hers and mine). Several hours non-stop.

Most anticipated: Cold winter of American North, her couch. I kissed her eyes, she bit my neck. We closed the blinds.

Most redeeming: Don’t remember: why I was pissed off. Remember: who slammed whom against which wall when, Spanish DJ playing Mr. Saxobeat, making out/smoking in the windowsill.


That windowsill, oversaturated.

Most dramatic: Warm fall of American South, gay men’s bar, yelling and crying, holding hands in the morning. Beautiful/agonizing.

Most comforting: Married, friend of a friend. “Never have I ever kissed [you]”. She tucked me into bed and stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.


The Bookshelf

October 13, 2011

Whenever I go over to a new girl’s house, there are two places that I check out.

The first one is the kitchen. Alcohol facilitates new… friendships, and the type of alcohol stored in the pantry (hard vs wine vs beer, vodka vs tequila) says a lot about the owner of the kitchen. The gay girl’s kitchen deserves its own separate entry.

The second one is the bookshelf. What you read is what you are. That doesn’t mean that a Harvard-educated woman can’t read a Cosmopolitan or that a shelf full of Nietzche implies an IQ of 180. But in my personal experience, the summary of the reading material reflects quite a bit.

Actually, I’m a bit of a book thief.

My Philosophy

I look through the books, I pick out something I haven’t seen before, look at the girl, bat my eyelashes, and say, “I’d like to read this”.

In the morning, I take the book with me in my purse. Sometimes I return them. If they ask for them back.

From The Ex’s house, I took Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke. She had certain family issues, was very thoughtful and attentive, and began her sex life early. When we were dating, she was in a strange place in her life and unsure of where she was going. She hasn’t actually read Choke.

From The Bartender’s house, I took Milan Kundera’s Slowness and Ernest Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises, among many others. She had the best book collection of anyone I’ve met so far (to my taste). She had a nihilist philosophy on life and a jealous loser faux-philosopher sort-of-boyfriend. We understood each other without talking much. In fact, we almost never talked.

In BlondeGirl’s house, I found Vita Sackville-West’s Challenge. She has the fastest mind of anyone I know, overthinks, overplans, overcalculates, and is a master at running away from herself.

From The Architect’s house, I took John Boyne’s The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. She’s idealistic and needs to get a girlfriend. Someone sweet, young, and supportive.

From La Azafata’s house, I took a manual by Walter Riso, Amar o Depender, on dependency issues in love. We have really good physical chemistry. She is in the process of sorting herself out, which is good. Unfortunately, it took her a move to another country to start doing so.

My latest acquisition is Eduardo Mendoza’s Sin Noticias de Gurb. Sarcastically intellectual and easy to read. We’ll see what that means, if anything.

Re-watching season 6 of The L Word. After season 2 of The Real L Word, Ilene Chaiken’s first creation looks like a masterpiece. I wish I had remembered my original resolution not to watch anything made by anyone whose initials are IC.

...But It Doesn't Really Compare

Well, in beginning of 2009,  I also made a list of the qualities I want in a future partner. The list included: European, brunette, warm, risk-taker, “in my world and not confused”.

A month later, I met BlondeGirl. Independent, hard-to-read. Stand-offish. Debatable maturity level. Very confused. Not at all a risk-taker. American. And, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by the name, definitely not a brunette.

And boom.

I spent a year and a half sending confused schizophrenic messages to one of my best friends. Here is are a few:

[12/10/2009] just had lunch with blonde girl and walked back to my office smiling. she, i think, is gayyyyy… like rainbow showlaces. but… i don’t know if she doesn’t know it?

[15/10/2009] the kiss with blondegirl was really nice. otherwise i am exhausted

[01/02/2010]  i would date blonde girl if she were so inclined; but she is crazy. so, no

[20/02/2010] im excited about breakfast with blonde girl tomorrow

[26/04/2010] she is moving to my building and is already making plans to hang out in my kitchen. wtf?

[09/05/2010] i’m stuck in the same one-night-standstand/blonde girl/one-night /blonde girl cycle

[19/05/2010] she was so excited about my office move. ‘Do you know where you’ll be yet? what floor are you on? etc”. I just wanted to be like, calm down, not yours if i can help it.

[26/06/2010] just declined blondegirl. she sent an invitation to drinks. and i said, decline

[23/08/2010] she sent me a weird super-flirty work email

[26/08/2010] why does she keep telling me she wants to marry a male doctor and become a suburban housewife?

[18/11/2010] kind of random that i’m taking c-l there? cause c-l is blonde girl’s boss. and blondegirl and i had a fight again

[22/12/2010] woke up today in her bed with is that my alarm or yours going off?

To conclude, choose your women wisely and use your original lists and resolutions!

So I thought now would be a good time to tell you about BlondeGirl.

I mention her here and there in my blog, and some of you have asked me for a backstory. Here you go.

BlondeGirl and I started working at PrestigiousCompany around the same time. We had the same group of friends and we were assigned to the same project.

She was into me from the first time we met. But, I was preoccupied with trying to figure out where the lesbian clubs were hiding in this town and did not notice her interest. Until the time that I went to that place that later became My Favorite Bar. I was walking up the stairs, and she was standing at the top. Looking at me. Then I knew.

Then there was some flirting at the office (mostly from her side) and making out in the bathrooms (mostly my ideas) and the I-want-to-but-I-can’t-because-of-stupid-reasons mentality (from both of us).

If I could summarize her side of the story for the next year or so, it would go like this: I like you but we work together so let’s be friends. But I suck at actually being friends with you because I’m jealous and I can’t contain my feelings. So I will continue to stare at your boobs and tell everyone how awesome you are because I can’t tell you myself. 

From my side, it would sound like this: You clearly like me. I clearly like you. But, we work together. Let’s be friends. Uh, yeah, that’s my tongue on your lips. Oops. No, really, we can be friends. Why are you looking at me like this.

The End

The other night, I had a dream about BlondeGirl. In the dream, I was taking a walk around my parents’ house and ran into BlondeGirl. I invited her in, and BlondeGirl fit in so perfectly into my family in the dream. And I’m quite sure that if she ever meets my parents in real life, they would love her.

Not everyone would fit into my family. For example, my parents haven’t gotten along with The Ex. I also cannot see myself marrying, let’s say, ElevatorGirl or HotProf (they both deserve their own stories, I will tell later) and bringing either of them home.

Maybe it’s the values? My family: education for the sake of education, art for the sake of art, cynical toward anything political. For fun, we discuss the validity of Myers-Briggs tests, and articles about guys writing college essays for pay. My parents can be warm, but they need to get to know you first.

The Ex was lovely and sweet. However, she also thought Ambrose Bierce was dreary, and saw everything as black or white. But BlondeGirl, with her love of Virginia Woolf and the opera, would fit in easily. I can see her getting along with my mother – talking in concise, short sentences, and listening to each other intently.

Virginia Woolf, 1902

Is it really true that opposites attract?

I came across a post by another lesbian today. She said she could “never be attracted to a woman who could be my body twin”. I’ve heard that sentiment before, in both straight and les girls. They claim to like to be physically different from their partners. One partner is taller  – the other one smaller, one is more athletic – the other more curvy, etc. In part, this is the description of your typical butch/femme dynamic.

But when I think about it, I don’t actually know many les couples in real life where the two girls involved have a different look. Usually it’s that both girls are somewhat androgynous, or somewhat femme, etc (I even knew a soft butch/soft butch couple). There’s usually a big resemblance in physical styles. I know two women who are both curvy, more top-heavy, and make-up free. My ex-gf and I knew a couple who both wore hipster skinny jeans and knitted hats. The other couple were both in trucker hats and oversized t-shirts. I could go on and on. In short, you wouldn’t be surprised to find out these girls were together.

I fall into this trend, as well. Speaking of The Ex, she and I used to swap shirts and make-up. If I think about it, the girls who I like tend to have a body shape similar to mine. I wouldn’t date someone who was much shorter or taller than me, either.

As far as style goes, I prefer girls who are feminine. I like girls who dress somewhat girly (tight clothing, some make-up) and that’s what I do, too. However, could it be that because I like girly girls, I subconsciously create that look for myself? I remember one time I told BlondeGirl that I love her long hair. She said that she knew: “Because your hair is just as long”.

fuck fuck fuck.

March 21, 2011

She: “How do you keep your nails so long?”

Me: “They just grow fast. Don’t worry, they’re clean”.

She: “I hope so. I just put them in my mouth.”


Let Them Go

March 8, 2011

I’ve been somewhat absent lately as I’ve been thinking a lot about BlondeGirl.

There are people who can walk away from you. When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, loving you.

I mean hang up the phone, don’t write that e-mail, unfriend them on facebook.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not attached to you. And if they are not attached to you, you can’t make them stay.

In my story with BlondeGirl, the end was really pretty. In addition to being a pretty story, it’s also a painful one to be in, and I hate (hated?) every moment of it. If she doesn’t care. Why should I?

Blonde Light Off

June 28, 2010

When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I remember thinking that my feelings for her were like a lightbulb. The lightbulb had not been smashed, it just burned out because the light had been on for too long.

I think that my light for my current crush, BlondeGirl, has finally burned out. I’ve been calm for a couple of weeks now. Canceled plans to go away for a weekend with RedGirl, got a lot of work done, cleaned my house, talked to my parents, read books.

Amazing how much I can get accomplished when I don’t have women and/or alcohol on my mind.

Bday Fun

June 13, 2010

Last night was a joint birthday party for me and my friend N.

I feel great today: no hangover, all the right decisions, productive morning. I already threw out the beer bottles, stashed away the rest of my Russian vodka, took back the keg, washed the wine glasses and the floor. Breakfast at the best little euro-like place a block away.

Tons of alcohol, lots of people. Both BlondeGirl and RedGirl were there.

Backstory: BlondeGirl and RedGirl are my coworkers, referenced here: C and D

RedGirl came with a clear interest. She kept looking at me, touching me and saying compliments. Which is the way she and I are usually around each other (we’re just flirty people in general), but this time there was more to it. At some point, she followed me into my bedroom. When we were coming out of it, N asked if he could have a b-day present. Of me and RedGirl kissing. Oh well, can’t really say no to that, can you? N’s jaw was on the floor for the rest of the night.

Then we went out.  In the cab ride to one of the clubs, it was me, RedGirl, and RandomNerdyCo-Worker. RNCW was having a phone conversation with his strip-club-loving buddy:

-No, dude. I’m going to LesClub. It’s gay? Shit, it’s gay? No dude, they are saying it’s straightish. Yes, I believe them. Whatever, it’s her birthday, we’re doing what she wants. I’m gonna try to convince them to go see strippers… No they say they’re not good-looking enough. Yeah I guess I’m going to LesClub. I don’t care if it makes me gay! I don’t care that it makes me a bitch! I want to be where the action is and dude there’s plenty of action here.

At the same time, RedGirl and I were having this conversation:

RG: You know, I feel like I’m kind of cheating on this guy I’m seeing by being so close to you. But you and I have such good chemistry!

Me:  You’re not really exclusive though, aren’t you leaving in 2 months? Um, so I like BlondeGirl. But I don’t want to try to win her over? That’s so passe.

RG: Why don’t you just tell her you like her?

Me: That’s not happening. Come on, it’s me we’re talking about. Anyway, so our good chemistry….

So of course the cabbie gave us a free ride. Then no cover to get into the club. Tons of shots. A lot of dancing. Making out.

But then RedGirl asks me if I’d do a threesome with her and her new bf. Um, NO. Penises and body hair are not what I’m really looking for in a partner. I diplomatically say that I don’t want to be a guest star. But then she says she really wouldn’t want to share me with anyone anyway. Thanks, I guess?

Another funny moment is from when she said, “I don’t get it. You like BlondeGirl. I don’t like BlondeGirl. But I am attracted to you. How does that work??” She was genuinely confused. Well, darling, we don’t all like the same women.

So today, I tried to think of a sane lesbian/bisexual girl in my surroundings. I couldn’t.

Pop Quiz: which one of these would you consider a girl in her sound mind?

a) the one who breaks her wine glass in my face because I won’t date her?

b) the one who wants to “show off her dark side” ?

c) my blonde co-worker who won’t stop staring at me and flirting with me whenever she sees me in the office, but “forgets” if we schedule something outside of work?

d) my redhead co-worker who told me she was into women, and then in a week confessed she was straight, had a boyfriend, but is still curious about les sex?

I vote e) neither of the above.