June 26, 2013
I’ve accidentally erased this post two times and lost all the funny in the process. Grrr, crappy hotel connections! Sagittariuses are some of my favorite friends with benefits.
How to Keep or Repel a Sagittarius Girlfriend
Even the femmiest Sagittarius girls are knights at heart. These girls are brave, honest, and hate all restrictions.
A Sagittarius lesbian needs to truly believe that what she is doing is making a difference in the world. Where a Capricorn will grit her teeth and put up with a high-pressure corporate job for the faint glimpse of a better future, and where a Scorpio will silently hook up with her co-workers to release stress, a Sagittarius will quit and buy a one-way ticket to Indonesia. She will live on the beach, surf by day, and help kickstart microfinance grassroots organizations by night.
Seduction of a Sagittarius lesbian begins when you first meet her. Though she will tell you she doesn’t believe in love at first sight, you either impress her right away or forget about the scissor dance. Try a mix of the following: mysterious air, quick wit, and style. For clothing, well-tailored and short is a winning combination. For talktime, the social energy of an Aries or a Gemini seems to do the trick. Sprinkle a little bit of shy on the side so she feels like she needs to protect and guide you. Remember – she is your princess in shining armor!
The Sag les girls would love nothing more than for you to join them on their adventures. Explore new horizons together! The horizons can include fitness, new food, saving the world – or the occasional lounging by the pool followed by dancing all night.
If you can prove your worth as a trusty sidekick, you’ve got yourself a friend for life. No one is more loyal than a Sagittarius. These les girls are the best at being friends with benefits, in part because they don’t do jealousy. She is the one you can call at 3 am for straightforward, no-strings attached sex. But if the next day, you get back with your ex-girlfriend, she will be truly happy for you (and maybe even relieved that she no longer has to get up in the middle of the night for your booty calls).
Speaking of sex, Sagittarius is the proverbial “butch in the streets, femme in the sheets”. This lesbian will do what she needs to in order to please you and she is very enthusiastic. But topping her is the real key to keeping the Sag les in your bed.
If you do decide to take it a step further and can match the Sag les as a partner in crime, show her that you understand how faithful and dependable she is. The best way to compliment a Sagittarius is to casually mention how amazing she to your friends and have her accidentally overhear it. She will be surprised to find out how much you value her.
As a girlfriend, the Sagittarius lesbian will never complain and will focus on supporting you. Just be ready to share her attention with friends, co-workers, and even strangers. She might be getting up at the middle of the night to fix their problems now (though typically she’ll stay away from hands-on sex therapy). So keep your insecurities and possessiveness out of the relationship! The more carefree you can stay, the better your chances of keeping her.
To break up with a Sagittarius, overanalyze her, yourself, and your relationship. Bonus points for long, intricate “woe is me” stories. Be negative and clingy; do not leave her side in public. At first, she will try her best to listen to your sad accounts and to get you out of the black hole she perceives you to be in. But she will be the one to file for divorce as soon as she is sure she’s never getting back the old adventurous, relaxed companionship she signed up for.
Stage one. The Sagittarius doesn’t really care. She’s not a Capricorn or a Virgo les with a virtual Excel spreadsheet in her mind. Her take on minor issues is “Whatever.”
Stage two. Hope. The Sagittarius lesbian listens to you, spends time with you, and becomes just a little more involved. She might even try to limit her time with the crew of IT guys from work. “I need to work on our relationship” will be her mantra.
Stage three. This is the “What the fuck” stage. Sagittarius does pretty well at seeing the big picture. When things change from white to black, she just might notice and be flabbergasted. Sagittarius doesn’t really understand why someone would just keep doing the same shitty things over and over again. She might sign you up for therapy sessions, the gym, take you to bowling – anything that she can think about to get you out of the funk. Keep in mind that by this point, Sagittarius is a little angry that this seems to be ongoing. Sag lesbians are great at fixing short-term problems, but long-term issues depress them.
Stage four. Sagittarius is done. Once she has decided to leave, there is no turning back. Where an Aquarius might just slip out of a relationship, Sagittarius will make it precisely clear: she has a new home, planning to date a new girlfriend, and has packed her suitcases. Okay, love? Bye.
Favorite Damsels in Distress: Gemini and Aries
Will Leave Burning: Pisces and Taurus
February 25, 2013
As soon as the baby Scorpio enters her teens, she gets a little present from the universe. Her breath turns into sexual poison, and no one stays unaffected by it. If there is one girl in your life who is mysterious, alluring, and sexual in the most casual situations, it is probably the Scorpio lesbian. If you want to get rid of her curse – read on!
How to Keep or Repel a Scorpio Girlfriend.
While the baby Scorpio usually doesn’t realize the amount of sexual venom in her blood, it doesn’t take her long to figure it out. A Scorpio is almost never egotistical, but she does need to get in lust with herself first prior to moving on to other women. Scorpio is her own best lover. Think Santana Lopez from Glee: once she figured out who she was and what she wanted, there was no stopping her.
Once you do meet a fully hatched Scorpio les, how do you seduce her?
You need to be the most original, the most mysterious woman she ever came across. You need to be organized, put-together, and independent. Hints, insinuations, and flirting are great side weapons to keep the Scorpio’s interest, but you need to be ready to be honest and open, too. Games infuriate Scorpios. She will want to open up to you more as she gets to know you, but you have to do it first. A Scorpio lesbian hates feeling dependent on others or vulnerable.
Scorpio is either your best friend or your worst enemy. The alternative is to be non-existent in her world. To love a Scorpio lesbian is to believe with your whole heart that she is the very, very best (think Brittany S. Pierce’s feelings for Santana). You can’t love a Scorpio “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” – Scorpio les is never “worse”!
If a Scorpio knows she is loved, she is the best girlfriend on the planet. She can do anything and better than anyone. She is generous with her money, with her attention, with her love. However, she is also demanding to you and to herself. If you match the demands, together you will be invincible. And don’t forget about your appearance. A Scorpio les cares a lot about hers, and you need to show a matching inner discipline. If you are this lesbian’s partner, you can’t wear the same sweatshirt and skinny jeans all year long. Put some thought into it!
In sex, please keep your dirty words to yourself. Oh, you’re welcome to DO as many dirty things as you’d like. But just do them, let the Scorpio be a pillow princess every once in a while. Even the mighty get tired of dominating all the time.
Scorpios do not break up. And if they do, they are typically the ones who do it first. But if you decide to make sure the two of you don’t talk again, criticize her. Better yet, fuel her self-criticism. Dress badly. Smell like fish. Keep your secrets and spread all of hers. Here are the stages you will go through when getting rid of her.
Stage 1. There can be nothing’s wrong in a Scorpio’s world. Nothing. She is perfect. Hence, you are perfect. Done!
Stage 2. Scorpio gets a little paranoid. Less about you, and more about herself. Is she missing something? Should she be doing something different? Can she do something better? So she starts asking her partner some questions. More often, statements. “Not sure if you saw, but I called you yesterday.” “There is no dinner today.” “Someone showed up here saying she was your girlfriend.” If she gets answers, she will consider them carefully. She is very fair and will definitely consider her partner’s explanations. That is, if the partner can be calm enough to have a discussion.
Stage 3. Quiet depression stage. Although a Scorpio girl typically looks inclined to drama, she actually hates scandals. This stage is when the Scorpio les spends lots of time with her friends and family, and very limited with her significant other. She does not address the issues in her relationship until she is ready to leave.
Stage 4. The Scorpio les leaves her partner. This sign more often than others is able to stay fuckbuddies with her exes. But there are no more feelings, no romance, no adoration. She feels selfish for leaving and will feel shitty about leaving (hence the extra sex). But she leaves anyway, like any good masochist.
Will attract: Virgo and Sagittarius.
Love/hate relationship: Leo and Capricorn.
November 27, 2012
A Libra girl is an especially interesting kind of a les. That is, if she even agrees that “lesbian” is the right way to describe her. If you’re trying to capture her heart, and she miiiight be into girls, and she miiiiight be a Libra – keep reading.
How to Keep or Repel a Libra Girlfriend.
A Libra girl is into flexibility. And exploration. And freedom. And no labels!
Until she gets to pick her own label. Then it’s okay! Maybe. Does she need to make a decision now? Why can’t things just stay the way they are? They are perfectly okay now.
For looking like they can never make up their minds, Libras actually have whole books of Libra-rules in their pretty Libra-heads. The rules are very particular and you won’t understand. That Libra-rules compilation is kind of like an organic cookbook. Make sure you use the right ingredients first, and THEN we’ll talk about prep steps. These girls know you’re not quite ready for their way of life yet, so they won’t bore you with the explanations and just give you what you need at this particular point, but in the way that still meets the rules. The tofu turkey was probably invented for a Libra les vegetarian.
To seduce a Libra, tell her about your own rules. If you don’t have any, make them up! Make it seem like you have every state’s penal code in your head, and tell her tales of common-law cases. How you solved the case of the disappearing girlfriend or how you defended your messy partner will give her clues of what to expect and how to move around you. The more complicated, the better! The Libra Les needs to get lost in the entanglement before losing her guard.
Libras are very cautious. It’s not that they dislike making choices, they just hate doing something they can’t un-do. If they could choose to marry someone with the promise that at any point, they could return everything to the way it was when they were dating, they would! In a heartbeat. You can always convince a Libra to do something “just for fun” and “just to try”. Tell her she can leave at any point, and she will stay till the end.
Libras are so very charming, diplomatic, and open-minded. They know exactly what to say in which company. These les girls are wonderful to take to a work party, and tend to get along with everyone’s parents.
However, do not argue with a Libra or question her judgment. Where a Virgo would thank you for the feedback and think of ways to make her cherry pie taste just like your mom’s, the Libra will explode. And if you prove her wrong, you are wrong. So don’t even start it.
In bed, Libra is the most explorative sign of the Zodiac. Nothing is quite off-limits. Don’t take her to Vegas with you, or you may find your $500 chip stuck where you least expected.
Libra is the one sign that probably doesn’t mind you sharing some of your sexual adventures with your buddies. If she looks good in your story, it’s on! Of course, you have to look good in your story, too. No one wants to date a loser, and least of all a Libra.
Being boring, making her look bad, and not going out with her are all good ways to get a Libra to leave. Negative comments and picking fights are another. No Libra is going to stay around for a fight. She has much more fun things to do! Here are the stages that she will go through when packing her bags.
Stage 1. So what if you didn’t iron your dress tonight – looking like a bum is en vogue this year, anyway. She loves you and all your imperfections just make you hotter in her eyes. She’ll just kiss you and hug you a tiny bit more.
Stage 2. Libra is still supporting you – as a charity case. She needs to practice her niceness skills, right? Why not on you? You’re around, anyway. So she’ll try. To be nicer. And maybe iron that dress of yours. So you don’t look like an idiot.
Stage 3. The Libra les starts to think psychology. She has little private psychoanalysis sessions with her friends. And the friends of her friends. And the friends of the friends of her friends, trying to figure out what’s wrong with you, with her, and how to fix it? She might go on a break with you. And then take you back. Nothing is definite here. Everything is, “working on our relationship”.
Stage 4. Closing the door. Quietly, sloooowly. No one’s peace need be disturbed. Everything will to be done with class. If you’re a Libra’s ex, you might not have even realized you are out of the picture until one day you try to find the key from her apartment, and realize you haven’t been there for a few months.
Sometimes, your Libra ex may come back into your bed. Just to cuddle, you know? No reason you two can’t still be friends. This is the girl that keeps a string of exes around as friends, and doesn’t get jealous if they end up liking each other at some point down the line. Her friends can do no wrong and if you get into this zone, all your romantic transgressions are in the past. Pretty memories and friendly talk is really not a bad way to end a relationship.
Will have a threesome with: Gemini and Taurus.
Would never experiment with: Capricorn and Cancer.
April 23, 2012
Back to your regularly scheduled astrology series. I know you’ve all been just dying to find out how to get rid of your Virgo lesbian girlfriends, and I’m happy to give you advice!
How to Keep or Repel a Virgo Girlfriend.
You all know it when you meet a Virgo. She is feminine, but not giggly. Friendly, but never overshares. Sharp, but keeps her opinions to herself.
For those who believe that love partners should be teammates in all areas of life, Virgo is going to be both your best friend and a very committed girlfriend. She gives logical, well-thought-out advice. If you follow it step-by-step, you’ll be able to get out of whatever crap you got yourself into.
To seduce a Virgo, obtain silver cutlery and embroidered tablecloths. The embroidery should be silver as well, gold is too tacky. Your floors need to be spotless, clothes ironed, hair in a perfect ‘do. However, when asked, insist that it’s not a big deal and it just comes to you naturally. Virgos, who thrive for excellence in all areas, will be mesmerized by the idea of effortless perfection.
Praise a Virgo sparingly, and she will value it as gold. “You can do better” should be your refrain. This will convince her that you have an even stricter values scale than she does and she will push herself to the limit. Of course, you should push yourself as well, and it’s even better if you are working in the same industry or studying similar subjects. Subconsciously, Virgos love a little competition, and on a conscious level they will appreciate being able to relate to your struggles.
And finally, you need to have a little weakness. Something silly – like not being able to translate Celsius into Fahrenheit, for example. She will fix your lack of know-how with the most tenderness she’s capable of. Let her criticize you and accept her feedback as constructive. A Virgo will happily help you clean up your act as long as you’re genuinely excited by the clean-up process.
Your Virgo girlfriend is the quintessential virgin in the streets, whore in the sheets. And she knows it, too. The Virgo girl is unapologetic for what she likes. She oozes confident, strong, somewhat sexual feminine energy even when her hair is tied back and she’s in scrubs getting ready for surgery. A Virgo’s naughty sense of humor is rarely what you’d expect from such a proper, prim girl.
Virgo is a champion performer in bed. Unlike the emotional Libra or fiery Sagittarius, though, Virgo is highly logical and results-oriented. Almost nothing is “I want”, but rather “We can do this” and “I can do this better!”
But make sure not to tell anyone. Privacy is Virgo’s number one concern, and breaking it will lead you to the first stage of a potential break-up.
To dump your Virgo girlfriend, dial up on the drama. Tell everyone the sordid details of your private lives, put your sex tape on youtube, share what she thinks about her co-workers on Facebook. Smoke, drink, and leave stains on her carpet. Flirt with others. Propose an orgy. Here’s what’s going to happen.
Stage 1. Virgo is embarrassed on your behalf. She supports you out in public, telling your co-workers how amazing you are and exchanging pie recipes with your mother. She tells herself you are just stressed out at work and that you would never stoop so low as to leave dirty dishes in the sink at night.
Stage 2. Virgo starts to feel annoyed at the comments or stares from strangers in regard to your behavior. Back at home, she asks you to be a little less friendly with your hot young students when you are out in public with her. She’s still hoping you will turn around, but she starts to resent being judged by others for staying with you.
Stage 3. This is private scandal time. In some ways, this is much better than stage 2 as after yelling and breaking plates, Virgo might start feeling that you are even and she’s ready to forgive you. As long as you never ever ever do this again and start getting her hints not to leave your dirty socks on the kitchen floor.
Stage 4. All your ideas and words will be met with an icy chill. Virgo has made up her mind, and she is working toward a close. She is over you and your socks, baby. Virgo is one of those signs of the Zodiac that always has an ex-girlfriend or an interested classmate just waiting for the Virgo to become single again. While coupled, no Virgo would think of cheating. But now that she’s free, the other girl will be happy to console her with some tea and cookies. Virgo’s exit is always well-planned and seems to everyone around her to be extremely calm. It’s because they’ve missed the resentment built up in the Virgo on Stage 2 and because she has well concealed her little outbursts at stage 3.
If Virgo keeps you in her life, she will be that one ex-girlfriend that you can stay civil with without extra positive or negative feelings. So if you really feel like you need to fall for a co-worker ASAP, Virgo is the best choice. You might not end up sexing it up at the office, but her logical nature will prevent from any drama should things go South. Plus, you will get the satisfaction of getting to know one of the most mysterious women you may ever come across.
Will lose her virginity to: Aries and Capricorn.
Would not touch if she were the last woman on earth: Leo and Pisces.
January 16, 2012
Today, let’s talk about Lesbian Leos.
How to Keep or Repel a Leo Girlfriend.
The Leo lesbian was made to be the center of attention. She’s confident, passionate, and sexual. No one gives a better gift than a Leo. No one throws a better party. She needs a stage to shine and an audience to perform. And you will be that audience.
To seduce a Leo lesbian, you must be a star. A Leo doesn’t deal with losers. And you better not be a geek or a nerd! However, every once in a while, a Leo might take on a pet project. For example, if she believes you are a misunderstood genius or a damsel in distress. A Leo excels at rescuing and fixing.
Be witty, smart, and a little pretentious; tell her you don’t care about worldly goods; and yet give her the impression that she is part of an extremely select group. In sex, turn up the volume and let her know how you really feel! But, it’s vital that you behave as though you could care less about having a relationship. You can never pressure a Leo lesbian into getting serious if she does not want to.
Leo is the one sign of the Zodiac that doesn’t tolerate dishonesty. As long as you really believe in everything mentioned above (or just lie really well), you will be happy together. But, if you she finds out you’ve been concealing something or outright making shit up, you will convert into her ex overnight.
Exes don’t really matter to a Leo. Yes, she is aware that they exist, but unlike Cancer, she harbors no emotional attachment to them.
If you are fed up with a Leo and decide to break up with her, it’s not as easy as you may think. It’s pretty hard for any Leo to believe that she is no longer the center of your universe. However, if you manage to embarrass her in front of her friends by acting indifferent or cheap, that will be the end of your relationship. Here are the stages that she will go through before leaving her partner:
Stage one. The Leo lesbian doesn’t notice that anything is wrong. She is perfect. Her partner is perfect. Those weird things people keep pointing out? Accidents. Coincidences.
Stage two. Those accidents start to not really seem like accidents anymore. Those coincidences, not so much coincidences. Leo’s smart. She will put two and two together. But Leo couldn’t have picked a bad partner. So, there’s something wrong with her girlfriend, and if anyone can fix it, it’s Leo.
Stage three. Leo lesbian tries to pay more attention to her partner. But for some reason her partner doesn’t seem to appreciate the royal gesture. Weird. In addition, the partner still keeps having “accidents”.
Stage four. The Leo lesbian realizes that she can no longer live with the accidents. There are others, more worthy of Leo’s attention. The Leo is looking for a new queen.
Will want as her queen: Libra and Aries.
Will not accept as her servant: Pisces and Cancer.
November 21, 2011
The Cancer lesbians are especially close to my heart. They include The Ex, BlondeGirl, some Danish women, and even the particularly attractive roommates of the days past.
How to Keep or Repel a Cancer Girlfriend
The Cancer lesbian is soft, loving, and patient. When she is not talking about her feelings, she is thinking of them. The word “sensitive” was invented for this girl.
She blushes at the mere thought of someone openly flirting with her. Secretly, though, she loves the attention.
Seduction of a Cancer lesbian is an intricate interview process. You will have to withstand hundreds of coffee dates, months of holding hands, and hours of late-night conversations. She will tell you about her developing feelings, about her changing sexuality, about all her exes. Especially ones she broke up with years ago. Be ready to wait out the times she gets moody and withdrawn, dealing with an issue long past. All the while she will, of course, refer to you as “a friend” to anyone that inquires.
Cancers never forget their exes. Their shadows accumulate with years, and every new potential girlfriend needs to measure up to all of their good qualities. The bad qualities Cancer is still trying hard to understand.
The Cancer lesbian is the one who will brood over a girl who three years ago went out on two dates with her, failed to understand her complicated soul, dared to try to kiss her, and then never called back. Cancer will bring up the topic again and again over wine with her girlfriends, asking how could anyone be so insensitive. It’s not a rhetorical question – she cannot comprehend that someone would not consider her feelings or that someone might be looking for just a one-night stand. For a Cancer, any potentially sexual connection is deeply emotional.
A Cancer needs an outgoing, open girlfriend who will push her outside of her shell. Two Cancers in a relationship would never have sex. “You start.” “No, you start”. However, you won’t regret getting her into bed. Probably thanks to the emotional attachment, a Cancer is very attentive to her partner’s needs.
But, once you take off this lesbian’s pants, you got yourself a serious girlfriend. Cancers don’t do casual dating. Every day you are with her, you’re one step closer to marriage. A long-term companionship is the secret dream of every Cancer. If you don’t see babies with a Cancer in your future, you may need to break up with her.
To do so, start sleeping around or bragging about the past lovers you’ve had, in great detail. Tell her you don’t like cuddling under the blanket and watching TV with her. Invite your Cancer girlfriend to the bars, 7 times a week. She will go through these stages:
Stage one. The Cancer lesbian will take buckets and buckets of shit from her partner. It’s not that she sees the shit as roses (as may be the case with an in-love Aries). The Cancer lesbian just accepts the shit, and hopes she will one day understand its content and chemical make-up.
Stage two. She will still continue taking the shit. Patiently. Now she’s starting to define the shit as shit, but she won’t say anything out loud. She’s afraid that she is the one that makes her partner unhappy, and if she says something, she’ll get a complaint back.
Stage three. She will start voicing minor, polite questions. “Did you buy the milk? Has the dog been walked?” But she will be too ashamed of her own bravery to hear the answers.
Stage four. A Cancer forms her own space, with her friends, her own milk, her own dog. One day, she disappears completely into a new life. With minimal complaints or scandals.
If you do decide to come back to a Cancer, think twice. by proclaiming such intentions, you may end up torturing Cancer’s soul with “what ifs”. Be careful – she is unlikely to step back into the same river.
Will probably marry: Virgo and Pisces
Will remember as the crazy girlfriend: Gemini and Sagittarius
November 15, 2011
Today, I am beginning a new category of posts about lesbian astrology. I’ve met them all, from Aries to Pisces. I’ll start with Gemini.
How to Keep or Repel a Gemini Girlfriend
The Gemini girl thinks a lot, talks a lot, remembers everything you said…. and nothing she promised.
She has a muddy concept of time, so don’t be too mad that she’s always a little late to your dates. It’s not her fault. She just genuinely doesn’t remember how much it takes for her to get dressed, to put make-up on, and to get to your favorite coffeeshop.
The key to a Gemini’s heart is her mind. She needs to be turned on mentally before she can respond sexually. The concept of sex is often more interesting to the Gemini lesbian than the actual act. Don’t be surprised if you see a detached look in her eyes when you are kissing or fucking her. It’s just that every stimulus has to go through a logical algorithm before getting to her private parts.
A Gemini will talk to anyone and everyone. For a few minutes, at least. But if you don’t respond, she will assume you find her boring and move on. That’s because Gemini is easily the most anxious sign of the zodiac, though that may not be readily apparent. This lesbian needs constant reassurance that she is witty, interesting, and no, not as stupid as she thinks.
To seduce a Gemini, focus on her, ask for her opinion, and tell her about your feelings. Gemini lacks a good understanding of the emotional world, so she will be captivated. However, never let her know she’s got your heart, or she will be bored and twitchy within hours.
To break-up with this girl, be possessive, stop answering her texts, and disagree with her opinions. An angry Gemini will never scream or break plates. In a break-up, she will go through the following stages:
Stage one. She will ignore whatever’s wrong. She will pretend that everything’s fine and everyone’s having fun. She will keep asking if you are okay. A Gemini lesbian doesn’t believe that someone could hurt her on purpose.
Stage two. She starts to realize that something’s off. Since a Gemini processes everything mentally, she will not understand her feelings and resort to discussing her options for hours with her best friends. Still won’t say a word to you and will hope that this will pass.
Stage three. She sits down one early morning in the kitchen and thinks, alone. The lesbian Gemini feels sad. She tries one last time to reach her partner.
Stage four. This is the end. She will simply stop talking to you. That may happen only a day after she had invited you to an opera (see end of stage three). If you didn’t seem to react in the “right manner”, whichever the manner may be, she will simply leave the tickets on the counter and disappear from your life.
But if you manage to keep the Gemini lesbian, you’ll have one of the most faithful and fun girlfriends in the Zodiac. This girl attracts all the attention in the room even when she’s feeling shy. She makes her partner look better just by standing next to her. So what if next month she is the perfect girlfriend to someone else?
Does well with: Aries and Sagittarius
Drives her crazy: Taurus and Cancer