Retail Therapy

June 1, 2014

Best therapy for a broken heart = spending time with my family.
Second best therapy = buying dinnerware for my new home!

So far the price of my broken heart includes:

  • Czech fine china dinner set for 6
  • Belarussian crystal shot glasses
  • Slovakian champagne flutes
  • Russian bone porcelain coffee cups for 2

A lot of pretty kitchen things for someone who has so many issues with commitment 🙂

Pretty Porcelain

Pretty Porcelain

 

Edited out just in case.

Femme in the streets, green in the sheets.

 





Since I told my father about a year ago (in comparison, most of my friends have known for 4-5 years), I’m mentally noting every phrase that marks his moving forward in acceptance of my homosexuality.

I was so, so scared to tell him. He’s pretty conservative in regard to homosexuality in general, thinks it’s a choice and a disorder of sorts. I think since I was 15 or so, I started having brief conversations with my parents along the lines of, “well, Jim Morrison was gay, does that change your opinion of him?” “what if my friends were gay, would you not invite them to dinner?” etc. They now love their realtor even though he’s gay, don’t comment negatively on gay people, and in general I think they’ve moved toward seeing gay people as just part of the normal world.

However, it’s easy to be theoretically fine with it…. much harder to put it into practice when your daughter tells you she’s gay. I haven’t told my mother because I anticipate the reaction will be extremely negative.

When I told him, he asked me if I was sure. Then he was silent for a while. Then he said, “as long as you are happy”.

We didn’t talk about it for some time. But, when talking of the future, he moved from referring to ‘your future husband’ to ‘your future partner’ to ‘whoever you’re with’. Although, once he said something along the lines of, “when you find a man who you are sexually attracted to….”

It’s been sinking in, slowly. We’ve talked about the importance of being out, and gay pride parades, and even briefly touched on the subject of whether it’s a choice (maybe he’s starting to realize it isn’t).

I can see he’s worried about what he sees in his mind as a difficult choice that I’m making. But, he’s very careful about the subject, and he is really trying hard to understand and not to offend me. That means a lot.

Today, we were chatting about my plans for the next couple of years.

Me: “…And then I want to get married and have children and all that. But in 3 – 5 years.”

My father: “So it’s in your plans to get married? Those are good news.”

Me: “Well yeah, everyone wants to have a family. I will be nicer to you than you were to your mom and actually invite you to the wedding. Will you come to my wedding?”

My father: “When are you planning for that? In 3 years? That’s good, I’m glad I have some time to think about it. I don’t want to figure this out right now, I have plenty of plans for the next 3 years.

All of that was said in a bit of a joking manner and it sounded like he was really happy with the idea of me having a family, even though he seems to be a bit uneasy with idea of me marrying a woman. The good thing is that he is working on understanding, he doesn’t freak out, and overall is more supportive than I could have hoped for.

Hot Bartender

May 29, 2011

Here’s what happened last night.

We are in a posh bar/club in the northern part of the city  with “69” as part of its name. Many guys trying to buy drinks, one slow/confused bartender. After 15 minutes, takes our order, great… and promptly forgets about us. Not so great.

To her rescue comes a thin, confident girl in a white tank top. Takes our order again, serves us (4 drinks), the guys next to us, the girls behind us, and everyone at the bar. All in less than 5 minutes.

Anytime I see anyone who clearly excels at her job, I come a little. Well, in this case, I just smiled and drank my vodka.

My friend promptly gets wasted. So I escort him out of the bar, and at the exit see the hot bartender smoking. I turn around and lightly touch her hand to get her attention.

Me: “Hey! Sorry for the misunderstanding with the drinks. Thanks, you are really fast!”

Hot Bartender: *laughs* Oh, it was fine. You think I’m fast? *touches me back*

I smile and go out on the street, catch a cab, put my friend in, as he says, “HOW do you do that? You just had that girl.”

When I’m coming back in, she’s still smoking. I take her cigarette, we chat, some guy tries to hit on me. I tell him I don’t speak his language, while answering the girl’s questions in that same language. She acts protective, pulls me into a private area, we finish smoking, she smiles. I love when women look at me like that.

Then I leave and go home.

Let Them Go

March 8, 2011

I’ve been somewhat absent lately as I’ve been thinking a lot about BlondeGirl.

There are people who can walk away from you. When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, loving you.

I mean hang up the phone, don’t write that e-mail, unfriend them on facebook.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not attached to you. And if they are not attached to you, you can’t make them stay.

In my story with BlondeGirl, the end was really pretty. In addition to being a pretty story, it’s also a painful one to be in, and I hate (hated?) every moment of it. If she doesn’t care. Why should I?

How I Arrived At Sureness

January 8, 2011

So I got the following message the other day:

“How did you/are you able to have such sureness and confidence about your sexuality/orientation? Anything you have to share would be greatly appreciated.”

I caught myself asking the same question as my mother and I were watching The Black Swan together today. My mother is a very thoughtful person, affectionate and funny and liberal in many ways. However, she is repressed in everything having to do with sexuality, hetero or homo. She would never discuss sex with me. I’m pretty sure my dad explained the idea of reproduction in biological terms to me when I was very young, and sex was mentioned as “kissing naked in bed”. Which hey, fair enough. All this meant I didn’t really think about the matter until I was probably 16. I kind of assumed I’d get married early, get the whole sex thing over with, and move on with my life.

Then I saw Salma Hayek in her GAP ad. Then I met my Romanian classmate. Finally, I went to college and kissed a girl. This resulted in me being terribly confused, drinking myself into oblivion, and waking up in a random bed or two. I realized I needed to face what was going on if I wanted any sort of shot at being happy (and hangovers in strange beds ≠ happiness). I did not have anyone to ask for advice. My parents were homophobic, the area I lived in at the time did not seem very liberal, and the nearest gay bar was an hour away by car.

I saw all the babygay movies I could get my hands on. I searched the web endlessly for answers. I went to les clubs and told my friends I wanted to experiment. I was self-centered, somewhat withdrawn, and made plenty of bad decisions in the process of figuring it out.

Because I went through such a long process of self-analysis, there was no room left for shame or fear. Once I accepted myself and my own doubts as a work in progress, this allowed me to be open with everyone else. It took me four years to come to terms with not being straight. But, I couldn’t be anything else, unless I wanted to lie.

And since I’m too lazy to subscribe to lying for life, all I can do is to own my sexuality.

The End 🙂

Salma Hayek. Wouldn't she turn you?

Gay, Not Pregnant

July 18, 2010

This week I got very sick and saw many doctors.

The doctors were nice, if a little slow. I had to go through this exchange at least once with each one:

-Are you pregnant?

-No, I’m not.

-What kind of birth control do you use?

-None, don’t really need any, thank you.

-Are you sexually active?

-Yes.

-Umm okay, when was your last period?

-Two months ago.

-OMG you’re having a baby!

I’m not pregnant, I’m gay! I’m my own birth control, thank you. And if my periods are irregular – that is normal too for a lot of women (esp.those my height & weight). Just please accept that I’m not having a baby and let’s move on to fixing that fever I have, shall we?