This post begins my Topping for Dummies series.

If you found this post, you probably googled either “topping” or “dummies” or both. If you’re just interested in the dummies, this particular section may not suit your needs. Although I assure you there’s a fetish site out there that will cover your questions. However, if you want to find out about topping, please stay around. I’m going to keep it light and simple, and we’ll just see where that takes us.


Evan Rachel Wood Dom

Most human beings (lesbians too!) fall somewhere along the dominance and submissiveness spectrum. The more dominant individuals naturally exert authority and influence. The more submissive individuals are happy to obey and follow in the tracks laid down for them. You are typically born with a predisposition for one or the other, though a few lucky souls will fall right in the middle, happy to do what the situation demands of them. Some predispositions are strong and stay the same throughout a lifetime. Others are molded through a series of experiences.

Typically, a person’s bedtime personality is an extension of who they are with the lights on. Before you tell me there are many high-level executives who enjoy getting spanked, that is absolutely true. However, we’ll come back to that particular scenario at a later date.

Part of why behavior might differ drastically from the boardroom to the bedroom is the following. You can’t choose dominant or submissive inclinations. You can change how you react to them. You can absolutely choose to be a top or a bottom, in one sexual encounter or in general.

If you are interested in being a top or in being a better top, ask yourself why, where, and in what context. Things are much easier if you are toppy by nature. You know if you fall into this category. The percentage of women (and men, but I’m writing about lesbian sex specifically) who are naturally good at taking and keeping control is pretty low. By my estimates, around 20% are way more dominant than submissive, and out of those maybe a quarter are actually good at topping.

But if you aren’t in the 5% who just happen to be both dominant and toppy, but you really really want to be, that’s totally okay. There are scores of women out there who would appreciate someone topping them. And these women don’t care if you were born that way or if you’re self-made. In fact, you will probably work harder at it and in the end you might just end up winning. It’s all about the effort.

Evan Rachel Wood Sub


Once you know which category you fall in, decide on if you are trying to top in a particular one sexual encounter (surprise for a longtime girlfriend from a pillow princess?) or if you’re trying to perfect your technique in general.

The final decision in this choose your own adventure is to understand if you’re thinking of conventional sex or something with an alternative flavor to it. You can certainly be a big bad rope top in the dungeon and then take it in the ass in your spouse’s bed. That just means you have to do double the work in mastering dominance and submission and learn which mindset to shift to in order to make everyone’s experiences as fantastic as sex can be.


Being Toppy

April 1, 2011

I’ve had my share of hook-ups, yeah? And guess what: most women love to be topped. Especially if you pretend to let them top you for a few minutes and then you take control and don’t give it back.

Topping is super fun. You get to make women come, what can be better?

Before going further, let’s go into some terminology.

You have your stone butch type/exclusive tops. Then you have your power tops (particularly skillful/aggressive). Service tops have only apparent control, while in reality they conform to instructions given by the bottom. Finally, a switchy top is the one that may bottom occasionally.

Successful topping combines the last three terms, I think. A power top is in reality a good service top. That is, you know exactly what the other person wants and they give it to them. However, there are no explicit instructions involved. You go off the psychology and the subconscious desires. Oh, and you need to be able to give control to the other person (whether pretend or real) for at least a little bit. So that you can take it away the next minute. The whole point is in being confident about knowing what you are doing.

However, with being a decent top comes some sort of a superiority sense.┬áIn general, I find that whoever’s more toppy in a particular relationship or hook-up gets kind of smug about it. I topped the first time I hooked up with a girl. We were in college, drunk, it was 5 am, and neither of us had a clue. I cut my nails and took control. She basically let me do whatever I wanted and enjoyed it. It’s a huge mental turn-on.

But well, if it’s hot for the top to be in control, imagine how hot it is for the bottom to have their fantasies fulfilled just the way they want it? Especially since there are not that many good power tops to go around?

If you’re a les top, women will keep coming back to your bed. Simple fact. That’s where the smugness comes from. That’s why Shane has that smirk.

Shane, The L Word